League of Lovers
by dionysianDaydream
Summary: Beyond the rift relationships emerge, flourish, and WITHER like minion waves and my attention span when Blitzcrank's PERV scheme finally takes off, leading to all sorts of awkward exchanges and pairings you probably won't find anywhere else. *Due to be continued in lieu of Illayoi's reveal.*
1. Super Minion Steak, Pt 1

The Rift Experience Restaurant and Bar was packed with blind date couples that night, and the sexual tension in the air was palpable.

Alistar undid the buttons of Dragonslayer Vayne's coat and mooed in primal ecstasy. She reciprocated, smiling coquettishly. How unlike the broody brunette bane of evil as he had come to know her, pondered the minotaur. Perhaps she would care to see another side of him as well.

"You _can_ milk those!" Alistar tried, grasping at the air around her semi-exposed krugs in disbelief.

Vayne was not amused. She wanted to laugh, if only to keep the conversation going, but she imagined it looked more like a sneer.

"So how about these baked potatoes?" She said blandly, poking the last one while looking around the packed dining area, but their main courses were nowhere in sight.

"What kind of service is this?" Alistar roared. He realized that his previous attempt at humor was unsuccessful, so instead he stuck his chin up and quickly came up with something his dad would say to try to sound tough: "They would do well to note that when you mess with the bull, you get the horns!"

Janna sighed because the minotaur in the booth behind her was making a lot of noise. That, and her date had a lot to say about his quest to 'cast judgment on those responsible for the desecration of his homeland', or something.

"I have a list of the Noxian soldiers responsible," Varus went on, turning his eyes to check if she was still listening – not that it mattered – then returned his unwavering stare to the frothing contents of his drink glass. "All that remains is to pick them off one-by-one, striking when they least expect it. When no one is watching. Perhaps..."

Janna cut straight to the chase. "How good are you?" she said, not bothering to mask her bored expression.

"Good? I am an expert shot, trained to fire at maximum range from childhood. I can precisely hit an apple off a fencepost from five hundred meters."

"No, I'm not asking a marksman if he's capable of shooting things. I meant how good are you in _bed_."

Varus blinked, instantly quieted. Sex was a subject he'd been avoiding since he originally allowed the corruption to consume him, causing his entire lower body to be covered in dark scales. His _entire_ lower body. Truth be told, he was not sure if he could still please a woman in his present state. The very thought brought back memories of his old life, before it was wrenched away by those barbarians.

But the voice he recognized as that of the corruption within him rose to serve again. _We can't do it alone_ , it urged, and drove his next words forth.

"Well, who said I was referring to my talent in archery?" Varus said tentatively, hiding his face while he took another sip from the glass.

Janna's eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed seductively.

"I'd like to see that," she said, then slowly slid an entire Parmesan bread stick into her mouth and swallowed it whole. "But the apple will probably be much closer this time, so I doubt there's any chance you'll miss."

While things were getting as hot as a summer wind between Janna and Varus, two Freljord natives talked about the winter weather in Rakelstake over two plates of chilled ice newt. Nunu passed a sliver to Willump who gobbled it up happily while he continued his story about the pair's disastrous first attempt at ice fishing.

Braum surveyed the room from a corner booth, as he picked through a thick chunk of brisket slice by slice, alone. He wished that he could share in the festivities, but after nearly an hour his date had not shown...

"Heed me, mortal."

Braum turned mid-bite and was startled by the presence of Morgana, standing at the table with a piece of paper in hand and a sour expression left over from – what else – an unpleasant encounter with her sister Kayle.

"Are you with the blind date group that is meeting here tonight?"

"Yes, I am a part of this group." Braum inspected the fallen angel apprehensively. "Tell me, what is your...err, special number?"

"Zero, eight, two, nine, nine-"

"Ah yes, we are not matched," he said with the warmest smile he could muster, despite him secretly being relieved by the mismatch. "I am terribly sorry."

Morgana scoffed and went to go check another table, leaving Braum alone again to contemplate the last few bits of slightly charred beef. He was ready for love, he was certain of it, but the longer he had to wait the more nervous he became. Punching through a mountain with his bare fists was one thing, but _romance_...was something else entirely.


	2. A Trist in Time

"It'll be fun," Teemo said with a smile to mask his growing frustration, but Tristana still wasn't convinced that a foray into the whirlwind world of speed dating was in her near future.

"I don't know," she said, nervously scanning the small cafe clumsily constructed around a throbbing, bladder-like mass with protruding pipes that infrequently spurted hot steam. Pairing Eligibility Reactors of Valoran they were called, and singularly responsible for drastically declining land values across Valoran.

"Maybe I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing, Teems." She sighed. "Maybe I'm too fuzzy."

"That's not the kind of thing a Megling commando should say!" Especially today, he thought, when the grand opening of the Bandle City branch offered a special half price deal for all Marksman and Support primary and secondary role professionals. "Who knows, Trist? Maybe we'll be –"

Tristana abruptly whipped out her cannon and assumed a battle ready stance, thus cutting off her impotent coworker's latest attempt at a confession.

"What was that noise?" Like a small explosion, accompanied by the smell of something burning. The cafe doors flew open, releasing a cloud of hot smoke.

"Is there a fire!? Who's inside?"

The PERV emitted a monstrous groan then blew its load unto the unsuspecting Lulu's face. It was a cloud of exhaust fumes from clunky, barely functioning machinery, and a single sheet of mimeographed paper which featured detailed results of her compatibility test across hundreds of categories ranging from 'PHYSICAL ABNORMALITIES' to 'ENTHUSIASM FOR MARINE BIOLOGY' with a numerical score attributed to each. None of that mattered to Lulu, though, as the fae sorceress was only interested in the name of her _ultimate love_ , despite finding it increasingly difficult to read amidst the enshrouding smoke. How irritating!

Tristana lunged inside and saw her hunched in the corner, coughing while she flailed her staff around to no effect.

"I'll get you out!" She wrapped an arm around Lulu's waist and pointed her cannon to the ground with her other arm. "Hold on tight." I'm gonna hear another lecture about minimizing property damage for this _,_ she thought, but time was of the essence.

Teemo watched as she fired her rocket at the ground with enough force to propel her into the air, through the thinly constructed roof in a perfect arch, landing in a small crater among shards of broken wood. He ran to her assistance, and that of the giggling Yordle girl in her possession. Whereas Tristana was the better fire rescuer between the two of them, Teemo shined brighter in the less flashy but just as important field of cleaning up the mess left in her wake.

"Are you alright? How's your breathing? Any sharp pains?"

"That was so much fun!" Lulu shook her head, as her sides continued to shake from laughter. Pix for one was lying on the ground as if dead, but for the gentle flutter of its wings.

"What are you laughing about?" Tristana said, wiping the soot off her forehead. "You could have died back there! Because of this...this..."

"CUSTOMER DISATISFACTION DETECTED," a harsh, robotic voice interrupted.

Blitzcrank was a robot, albeit one that invested an unusually high amount of processing power on determining how to operate a dating service, and the importance of balloons. He returned to the grand opening of the Bandle City branch of his PERV venture with one tied around each arm, intended to serve as an appropriate, cost effective decoration item, to increase the curiosity factor of pedestrians by upwards of thirty-five point six nine percent.

"HOW MAY I POSITIVELY INFLUENCE YOUR PERV EXPERIENCE, FLESHLINGS?"

"Hey mister rob-bot," Lulu sputtered and hobbled toward Blitzcrank, waving her results sheet in front of her. "I wanna know, uh," she coughed, and fumbled for the correct wording, "who my future boyfriend is."

Teemo and Tristana exchanged glances as Blitz took the paper from her.

"THE SERIAL NUMBER OF YOUR IDEAL MATCH IS PRINTED HERE." He indicated a hexadecimal value printed on the last line the best he could with one huge finger. "FOR AN EXTRA FEE, A BLIND DATE AT ONE OF OUR RECOMMENDED DINING HABITATS CAN BE ARRANGED IMMEDIATELY." The steel golem then turned to Trist. "YOU ARE NEXT. TELL ME, WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE PROBLEM."

"The problem? Your crazy contraption almost got Lulu killed!"

"NEGATORY," he said. "NO CASUALTIES RECORDED. HOWEVER, THERE IS A MEGLING GUNNER PRESENT AND A HOLE IN THE ROOF, BUT AS PRIOR INVESTIGATIONS HAVE INDICATED, MONEY DOES NOT ACTUALLY GROW ON TREES."

"Neither do mechanical body parts, pal." Tristana made a move forward but Teemo got in her way.

"What she means is we're not sure speed dating is right for us. Well at least our buddies back at the barracks will get to hear quite the story when we get back."

Blitzcrank's mechanical eyes flashed after his internal mathematical processor ran the numbers on potential customers lost. "DO NOT BE SO HASTY. PLEASE COME IN AND FORGET ABOUT THE ROOF. CONSIDER THESE BALLOONS A GIFT." He urged them inside and Lulu followed behind, babbling about the concept of love.

If only Trist could be more like that, Teemo thought briefly, but then shook it away with a tinge of guilt, reminding himself that he loved her _because_ she was different from other Yordle girls.


End file.
